I’ve been thirty for a little over 38 hours now. I think I’m getting better at it all the time.
Getting older has never really freaked me out, at least not in and of itself. There are certain goals I’ve had, arbitrary deadlines I’ve set for myself, that have given me a bit of stress (i.e. married by thirty – I managed to squeak that one out,) but aging doesn’t bother me. I’ve never understood that whole “this is my eighth thirtieth birthday” thing, and I get frustrated when I look for birthday cards for friends and only find the kinds of cards that suggest that aging is a fate worse than death.
Personally, I’ve been looking forward to my thirties with a ravenous desire. I found my twenties to be…unfulfilling. Don’t get me wrong – some awesome things happened in my twenties. I started knitting, met and married Bradon, started this blog, made some fantastic friends…all good things. Nonetheless, when I think about my twenties I find myself reminiscing on a whole bunch of suckitude. Four years at a college I hated, a fair amount of backstabbing, anxiety and depression, and a seemingly endless bout of angst and drama revolving around figuring out who I am and what I want. My twenties were not what I expected – friendships did not go the way I expected, my career did not go the way I expected, relationships did not go the way I expected, and instead of feeling all grown up and capable, I spent most of my twenties feeling like I was shoveling sand with a seive.
So I am, presumably, older and wiser now. I have come to the conclusion that my mother was right. I have worked to treat my anxiety and depression. I have thought and written and tried to figure out my priorities. I have realized that there is no control, no safety, no security…and that’s okay. I have become disgusted with my fear and the tiny, quiet life it is making me live.
I have no grand plans. I have no sweeping resolutions. I am thirty, and the only goal I will set for the next ten years is that I want to start a family. Beyond that, I am open. I have a husband I love dearly, friends all over the world who are precious to me, enough resources to get by, and nothing but hope for the years to come. I am willing to see what the universe has in store for me. I dont expect that I will be extraordinary, or fearless, or endlessly happy – I expect that I will be me, and that it will be good.